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Ordinary activities many people enjoy were considered forbidden, from dancing to attending a theater. Because of this, as a child and as a teenager, I felt as if my parents were being too overprotective.

I wasn't able to experience as much freedom as I wanted to. It was not until I was in the fifth grade that I learned that what my father was doing to me in private was not only considered wrong, but also illegal.

Before I knew this, I thought it was normal behavior between father and son that was meant to be kept a secret. I used to sit in back of the church and would watch church members walk up to my father, shake his hand, and smile.

I, on the other hand, was looked at as being awkward, an introvert who always wore a jacket and sat in back of the church with his head down drawing.

If only they knew the truth who my father really was, I used to tell myself. He wore an invisible mask in front of these people and could easily fool them with his charming personality.

I was the only one aware that he was hiding behind a mask. Once a lady at church approached my mother privately and told her that she suspected that I had been sexually abused.

She based her conclusion on my quiet, shy personality and also the fact that I was always using excessive amount of dark shading in my drawings.

I used to shade my drawings so much that it was difficult to tell exactly what I had drawn. She wasn't a psychiatrist but was taking college courses to earn a degree in psychology.

She advised my mother to take me to see a professional therapist. My mother told my father about this, and he refused.

The sexual abuse began only with molestation during the first years and later to other sexual acts, which included oral and intercourse.

The molestation was done when my mother wasn't home or when she wasn't in the same room we were in.

The other sexual acts took place in a very wealthy home in Oyster Bay, New York, at my father's work. These mansions were spread far apart from each other and surrounded by nature for privacy.

It was here where my father used to take me on Sundays. His bosses, an Italian couple, were never home on this day. My father did a variety of jobs which included mowing the lawn, tending the garden, and other labor and maintenance work.

The sexual abuse began as a game. An upstairs room with a couple of couches, a screen TV, and a video game console system is where the abuse took place most of the time.

On one side of the room were sliding glass doors that led to a balcony. It had a good view of the swimming pool, the flowers, and trees that surrounded it.

All of the curtains were closed before the sexual abuse began. My father would start off by making a deal with me.

He would allow me to play video games if I agreed to let him perform sexual acts on me. Excited as any child would be when given the opportunity to play one of his favorite games, I easily gave in.

One of the worst memories I have of the sexual abuse is being taken to the attic when I was around ten years old. It was very dark inside, and I kept having thoughts in my head that I wasn't going to make it out back alive.

Sometimes he became aggressive when I didn't let him have his way, but he never physically abused me while having sex. If he kills me, I thought to myself, I would no longer exist.

I do not remember exactly what I was thinking about during the abuse. It was like my mind wasn't there. It was painful, and I cried just like many other times, but he never stopped.

I managed to withstand the physical pain, and was glad once I left the attic. He took a picture of me once, right after he had finished abusing me and I got dressed.

He was talking to my mother on the phone only a few seconds ago when I sat on the couch in the living room downstairs.

He took out a disposable camera, told me to smile, and took the picture. It was this picture that remained in the family photo album for many years to come.

There were a few other incidents that were as horrifying as my experience in the attic or even worse. He even sexually abused me in his bosses' bedroom upstairs a few times.

What I found very disturbing and annoying was that sometimes he would have perverted conversations while abusing me. He would ask me questions about other boys' genitals, if they had grown hair around that area yet or if I knew what a girl's private area looked like.

I wasn't mentally prepared for these kinds of questions at this age. The abuse would have continued pass the age of twelve if he didn't have a life threatening experience.

He was a soldier in the Salvadoran Civil War. He had been shot in the leg and in the back of the neck. Throughout the years, without him ever suspecting, the bullet from the back of his neck was slowly traveling upwards.

It caused him severe headaches that used to last for several of hours. He was prescribed medication after the doctors discovered the bullet.

A risky surgical operation had to be performed in order to remove it. The doctors explained to him the procedure in detail and the fact that he might not survive the operation.

This is when the abuse suddenly stopped. We never discussed it. It was almost as if it never happened. A few years later as a teenager, I still had the memories, but I questioned myself if they really did occur.

I didn't want to wrongly accuse my father of something he never did. I never had the guts at the time to tell anyone about these memories, but deep inside I felt like they really did happen.

I remember my father having several conversations with church members at their homes or at church about his time in the Civil War. He claimed that he had a couple of dreams as a soldier where God revealed to him about what was about to occur.

A dream he had, he said, would reveal that a number of soldiers from his unit would die, but that he didn't have to worry because he would be protected.

He awoke only to find out that the dream had come true. It was many dreams like this one, he told the church members as they looked at him with amazement, that were responsible for saving his life.

He considered these dreams as a blessing from God. After listening to these stories many times, I started to wonder if God knew that this same man would one day have a son, a son he would later on end up sexually abusing.

I always ask myself, even to this day, if that was part of God's plan all along. I don't think anyone here can read your post and have hatred toward you.

Again you will have to deal with sympathy, because that's just how it is. My dad also wore a mask. Everyone thought he was this wonderful business man who had a beautiful family.

He was well respected by so many people. I often wondered how it is that they can't see him for the monster he was.

I am so sorry for all you have been through. Accepting sympathy doesn't make you weak, it's one of the things that makes you a survivor.

I wont mention survivors as I get the feeling that is not something you want to hear. You say you want revenge - have you ever written down what you want to do for revenge as this can be very therapeutic.

What your father did was wrong and the blame rests solely on him, as was the gang rape. Are you seeing nayone to help deal with all of this?

Thinking of you and keep posting. It simply means that I'm still alive. But the word survivor almost implies that I endured hardships that many don't, like I should be proud of it.

It's just a way for victims of sexual abuse to try to turn their negative experience into something positive. Latest: Site behaviour Benchista , Sep 10, AP Magazine.

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